“Coming out” often refers to a grand announcement and implies that you have been hiding something in the closet, which you are now revealing.

Like some clever magician with a rabbit in his hat.  It commonly means announcing your sexuality if different than the heterosexual, monogamous, pair-bonded, society norm, but the same feelings may be elicited by revealing something else about yourself that is very important and potentially confronting such as having a terminal illness or revealing your sex worker status.  

Whatever you’re hiding becomes a burden if you feel you have to hide it until you have come to grips with it yourself.  You can feel as if you are being dishonest to people who you care about and you may feel incongruous within yourself, as if you are not who you present to be.  The magician’s rabbit may be growing larger than the hat. The desire to live honestly in private and public is real and so is the desire for those who love you, to know you as you really are.  Sometimes, living a life that is not highly valued by society stimulates people to acknowledge and promote personal qualities that are valued more highly, such as
caring for others, the environment and personal integrity (honesty).  

Some people revel in the idea of a big coming out party where every significant person is gathered around in excited anticipation of the big announcement, which is delivered with confident aplomb and received with enthusiastic applause. The magnificent magician is resplendent in top and tails.  Most people are unable to carry off such a venture and some are terrified of the whole process.  You don’t ever have to ‘come out’ if you don’t want to.  It can be very exciting to have a secret.

I prefer to think about the journey as ‘coming in’.

Rather than grand announcements, you can ‘let people in’ when you are ready.  Feeling safe enough to tell someone something private about yourself requires knowing them well enough to trust that they will accept you for who you are, respond appropriately to your feelings and not to their own, and keep the information private until you are ready to allow the grapevine to run with it.

Be proud and confident — then others will follow suit.  If you are comfortable with your sexuality, then you can project that on to others.  If you are ashamed in any way or find that you tell people with an apology, you probably need to work on your own feelings before you involve others.  Carefully consider which words you might use and your tone.  Like, ‘Guess what?  I’ve found a lovely partner who I love and want to be with.

He/She just suits me so much...’ It sounds silly, but practising in the mirror or while driving alone in the car, can give you more confidence.

When telling VIPs in your life, you may want to organise back up support that you can be with directly afterwards.  Even if the occasion goes well, you will benefit from having a debriefing.  Support in general is important, so surround yourself with positive people who like you for who you are and consider seeking counselling for any emotional issues.

If there are significant people in your life who you know will never understand your lifestyle, consider worst case scenarios before you tell them, and consider all your options with how you might behave.  If walking away from such relationships for a while is the best idea, do so with dignity whilst respecting that others have a right to an opinion too (even if it is wrong, ignorant, bigotist, racist, feminist, sexist... something “ist”).

Everybody takes this journey in their own way.  The diversity of our experiences and being able to share them is a great resource to our community. The process is never really completed as you will always meet new people and there may be times when you may not want new people in your life to know personal details about yourself.

I look forward to a world of sexual utopia where acceptance of all sexualities is so universal that “coming out” is a total non-event.  And there is only one label — ‘I am a sexual being.’

Written by Hilary Caldwell for FUSE Magazine.
If you would like to talk to somebody about 'coming out' or have any problems or personal issues with your sexuality, gender issues, orientation, kinks or sexual disfunction call Hilary on 0430 855 739.

Coming Out — Here so helpful links:

Gay and Lesbian Workshops
Westland House in Canberra runs several workshops each year for specific groups of people, as part of its Community Development Program. Groups have included both younger and older gay and bisexual men, people with HIV/AIDS, lesbians and bisexual women. The programs focus on personal development and building supportive networks and usually run over one weekend and evenings.

Counseller: Sex Matters
Hilary Caldwell MHSc (Sexual Health) - Sexuality Counsellor. Sex Matters offers safe, confidential counselling around issues of gender, coming out, orientation, kinks, sexas work and all sexual functions and dysfunctions. Call 0430 855 739.

Webiste Resource: Coming Out Australia
Info and resources for Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual people about coming out. Coming Out Australia is a community focused website to provide information, resources and interactive activities for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people about "Coming Out". It is also for heterosexual people who are curious and want to understand more about coming out.

Webiste Resource: Not so straight
Info for everyone, whether you're heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or just asking questions your sure to find something interesting. Not So Straight is a website specifically built to help young people find information and support about sex and sexuality.