GOD HELP US ALL, IT’S THE LESBIAN BREAK-UP!
Oh lesbians — why are you so hard to break-up with?
Is it chicks in general? It can’t because I've never seen or heard of a straight friend who busted into stalker mode 0.6 seconds after being dumped. Maybe they do but I’m not on the receiving end. Hmm. Something to ponder.
I need to clarify, I’m not talking about a break-up after a four-year relationship where you loved each other dearly, knew everything about one another, went shopping with her mother and owned big ticket items together; I’m talking about the ‘six-months-or-less-semi-casual-relaxed-let’s-date-for-a-while-and-see-where-it-goes’ kind of relationship. The type of relationship you believed was fun and easy — until of course, you tried to leave them.
Why do lesbian break-ups need to be so Goddamn messy and emotional? It’s not as if you say your heartfelt goodbye and elegantly part ways — they go on for weeks, months even, and the end result: dumper-lesbian feeling absolute relief but guilt and reluctance to call the other lesbian, ever again; and dumped-lesbian feeling embarrassed, desperate and pathetic.
If only after a break-up, a magic fairy put you in a people-less, phone-less and internet-less box for eight weeks. I doubt any of my exes would have attempted contact after the ’56-day-cooling-down-period.’ However, I also doubt that a box could hold prisoner a crazy, heartbroken, stalker lesbian. They say people get super strength in extreme situations — well lezzo break-ups are effin extreme.
It’s a sad reality that I would rather stay, lie about cheating or fake death to avoid breaking-up with a lesbian. I've contemplated changing my name and moving to 'Mehico' – it seems easier.
Ok lesbians, time to vow that you will be ok after a break-up. Starting from now. Best advice I can give you: act like you don’t care, delete them from Facebook (even though it may kill you not to stalk), spend 37 weeks in hibernation and come out better, hotter, stronger — then rock up to a public place with the intent of being fabulous in front of them. I know chicks and I know lezzos. Don’t forget we all want what we can’t have. Although (and a word of warning) seeing your ex and (discreetly) flaunting yourself could back-fire. This is a list of possible outcomes:
1. She’s now taken. Fair enough. You're still amazing, nothing will ever change that and it's her loss. Act with grace and like you couldn’t care less and feel reassured knowing you did your best. Leave with dignity. I repeat: d.i.g.n.i.t.y.-
2. She could be single but not interested. Minor ego squashing. Remind yourself that the future holds many good things and leave with dignity. Do I need to repeat that again?
3. She could be there single and keen and you instantly sleep with her. As lesbians we know this is risky business and often more dramatic than the first break-up.
4. You could get blotto and completely embarrass yourself. Think first time heartbroken 16-year-old baby dyke. That’s now you. Scary. Let’s not get to this stage but if it happens and you’re annihilated, hysterically sobbing, begging for her to take you back and demanding that she tells you why she doesn’t love you — never contact her again. You may need to find another hang-out. Or state. Don’t feel tempted to text her a ‘so sorry about last night’ message in the morning; you’ve done enough.
If this is the outcome, remember this lesson next time and make a conscious decision never to be a psycho ex who can’t handle a break-up. Ever again.
And email me, or visit my Blog if you’re ever tempted to do anything so ridiculous again. I’ll outline the reasons why she’s not even worth it and then I’ll take you out for a drink. Or thirty.