Coming out is a common story in the GLBTQ community: we sit, tell our story and share a connection with strangers through this story. For many people it was traumatic, for many it was exhilarating, for many people it is about when our lives truly began, well at least it was for me anyway.

I came out in 2002 after leaving my husband and moving to Canberra from Queensland. It was a monumental move which left me both drained and yet excited! I wasn’t sure how to tell my 13-year-old daughter her mother was a lesbian, so I decided that I would wait until I met somebody significant and tell her then.

About 18 months later I began a significant relationship with a woman and decided to ring my daughter. I told her that the woman who was often with me when she rang was in fact my girlfriend — I think ‘cool’ was the response I got! From then it has been easy sailing and she has been totally accepting of my life and partners. For me it was a positive experience but it was important for me to wait until I was ready to tell my daughter, as was echoed by others in the Canberra lesbian community.

In terms of the Cass theory, it seems to follow that most people will want to reach stage three or four (tolerance and acceptance) before ‘coming out’ to others. Many of the parents I spoke to waited up to five years to come out to their children, citing reasons such as worrying about children’s reactions, they were too young and they wouldn’t understand. Some were actually confronted by their children about their sexuality; these mothers then told their children they were indeed a lesbian.

Some children didn’t learn by the good old sibling ‘osmosis’ and found out by accident later down the track. Some adult children still don’t know their mother is a lesbian, due to concerns about that child’s reaction.

Most women stated that relationships with their children were now very good and there were no issues with their sexuality, good interactions with their partners and some adult children even exploring their own sexuality and discussing it with their mothers.

Over all it seems coming out to your kids seems to be one of the hardest things to do and there is very little literature about it. As parents are generally intuitive about their children, taking it slow, talking at their age level and being prepared to answer many questions honestly may be the best road to take when you are ready to come out to them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cass_identity_model